When One Door Closes, Another One Opens

Just as those zany Southern Baptists announce that their largely ineffectual boycott of Disney was ending after eight years (who even knew it was still going on?), old bloat-throat Jerry Falwell is initiating a boycott against Kraft Foods to punish them for their support of the Gay Games in Chicago.

(The Disney boycott apparently didn’t work because these insane zealots couldn’t convince their wee ones to burn their “Little Mermaid” videos for a higher purpose. Children are perceptive, and they could not be swayed into believing that reading “Mein Kampf” aloud by the fireside would be just as much fun as a trip to Disneyworld.)

I guess Jerry’s recent comparison of his own coma to that of Terri Schiavo’s wasn’t garnering enough press to satisfy his insatiable ego.

Well, Jerry, I say, go for it. I hope that you and your lemmings stand completely behind your principles. I’d even go so far as to implore Kraft not to sell you and your kind any of their products. No Velveeta or Cheez-Whiz for those god-awful Wednesday night church suppers. No Zweiback or Nabisco Animal Crackers to soothe your squalling brats as they scream through the political rhetoric being spewed from your pulpit. No Jell-O. No Oreos. No Oscar-Meyer Wieners. No generous dollop of Kraft Miracle Whip.

And, Jerry, while you’re standing up for your principles, why not go all the way? No more of this “selective enforcement” stuff. You’ve also recently called for a boycott of Ford for their policies of non-discrimination against gays. So you’d better extend that boycott to any company that has similar policies. So, no phones or long distance service for you, because Sprint and Verizon and MCI and Qwest and all the others have similar policies. No computers or software, because Microsoft and HP and IBM and Apple and virtually every other high tech company have similar policies. (While we’re on the subject, maybe you should just review the list of Fortune 500 companies for their policies of inclusion, because you’re probably not going to be doing any banking or investing either. That might force you to change your methods for siphoning retirement money away from little old ladies.)

But, cheer up, Jerry. At least you can still fill your tank with ExxonMobil gas.