Countdown to Excrement

It’s only 5 days until America’s first illegitimate president gets inaugurated. It’s hard to believe it could actually come to this. I’m looking forward to the results of the joint effort of the New York Times and the Miami Herald in recounting the votes to see who was truly rightfully elected.

Of course, here’s what we can expect the right wing to say, if it turns out that Gore would have prevailed had the true vote count gone forward: “We have an electoral process and we followed it. A president is elected by that process, not by the New York Times.” Never mind that the process was subverted at every step of the way by an entrenched Republican machine in Florida, including the complete participation of the seemingly-inflappable Katherine Harris and the President-Select’s own brother. What makes it more heinous is that they’re completely unapologetic about it; they didn’t even make a passing attempt to avoid the appearance of evil. And most of America seems to be willing to go along with it. What’s wrong with this picture?

And while we’re on the subject of the inauguration, what’s the deal with Ricky Martin performing? As I see it, there are two possible scenarios. The first scenario is that he supports Bush and all that he stands for and is going ahead with his performance as an endorsement of that. The second scenario is that he is apathetic and apolitical and doesn’t have any convictions and therefore he doesn’t see anything wrong with performing.

(On some level, however, I am secretly looking forward to watching those Republicans try to groove to Ricky’s music. Are you old enough to recall Lee Atwater and Dubya’s father “gettin’ down” at daddy’s inauguration? I wish I had it on video. I’d keep it in my poison control kit for those times when first aid measures call for inducing vomiting.)

One last question about Laura Bush. Does She-Bang?

Hey, Norton!

As part of Scary Right-Wing Bitches week, let me respectfully remind you to write your senators to request that they object loudly to George W.’s nomination of former Colorado State Attorney General Gale Norton for the post of Secretary of the Interior. (You can find out how to contact your senators on

Many environmental organizations, including The Sierra Club, have been objecting to her on her environmental record, which in and of itself should be enough to disqualify her from being the chief steward of our natural resources. But don’t forget (or perhaps you didn’t know) that, early in her term as State Attorney General, Ms. Norton was one of the driving forces behind Colorado’s now-overturned Amendment 2, the legislation attempted prohibited individual communities from passing any non-discrimination laws for gays and lesbians. Do we really need this kind of hate-monger in office?

The ABC’s of Right-Wing Bitches

This must be the week for right-wing bitches to attempt redemption on national television. In a segment I’ve been referring to as the “Interview with the Vampire,” ABC’s PrimeTime Thursday features Katherine Harris, Florida’s Secretary of State and heir-apparent to the hair stylist, orange-juice fortune, and ideology of Anita Bryant, shows her mascara-laden self in an effort of self-justification.

Then, if the Katherine Harris appearance doesn’t inspire you to pledge never again to change your channel from the Cartoon Network, 20/20 — also on ABC — features the ever-vile but always jokeworthy Linda Tripp, replete with makeover. While her new hairstyle and facelift might make her an appropriate guest for Ricki Lake or Jenny Jones, it’s not exactly enough of a news story for a newsmagazine show. (Unfortunately, this subhuman horror hasn’t had a soul makeover, which would perhaps be a start at true redemption.)

Do these two think they’re going to change anybody’s opinions of them by these appearances? Or are they just so media-hungry that they haven’t even figured out why they’re going public? Maybe someday I’ll understand.

Is There a Real Doctor in the House?

So what’s the deal with celebrities and their belief they can get away with things that no one else could? Take, for example, the event this week during which a not-very-respected radio talk show pseudo-shrink decided she could return used panties to an upscale Beverly Hills department store. How vile! And, to make matters worse, she didn’t even have the nerve to do it herself — she sent her assistant to do her embarrassing dirty work for her. (And was she so arrogant to think no one would notice? Or talk?)